Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts

28 July 2018

8 Things I Learned From Living Alone



If you have followed me online for a while, you have probably noticed that I've been almost consistently in relationships since I was 16. I've also always lived with someone else (different family members and then later boyfriends) for my entire life. I've spent the past 30 days completely alone, and I learned a few things.

These might seem trivial, unimportant, or obvious to you if you live alone yourself. But to me they aren't.

My boyfriend is in the military and left for training this past month. It's been a test of our relationship because we know that it is inevitable that we will be spending a year apart in the future. It's been tough, but it has also been graciously a short time apart.

One month seemed incredibly daunting at first, and let me tell you that everyone who says the first two weeks are the worst... they're right. Not only was I barred from any communication with my romantic partner who I've lived with for a year, but I was left to maintain and manage the apartment all on my own. Which is something I've never done before beyond a week or so when family would go on holiday.

So I definitely learned a lot about myself, about my relationship, and about living alone. I'd like to share these with you, maybe they will provide you some insight if you are about to go out on your own as well or remind you how it is at the beginning if you've been on your own for a while.

We can all learn someone new from stepping into someone else's shoes for a moment.


Things I took for learned:

  1. It is much harder to get dressed with nobody to help zip you up, fix your lacing, or tell you if your straps are twisted in the back (forget being able to straighten them!)
  2. Being able to hide from myself. I struggle with depression and social anxiety, and being with my partner enables me to hide from my inner demons and distract myself from things for a while. Being alone really brings it all to the surface, you can't bury it under taking care of someone you love and being taken care of in return. Emotional labor keeps your mind busy, and when you don't have to do it for anyone else... you're forced to deal with your demons.
  3. The bed feels bigger both in a good and bad way. It's absolutely lovely to spread out and not get squished to the edge of the mattress in the middle of the night, but it's lonely to wake up and look over at an empty pillow.
  4. It's difficult to cook for one. I love cooking and baking, and it really makes me happy and fulfilled to feed my partner home cooked meals. But when I'm alone I have much less motivation to cook anything more complicated than stiryfry. It's hard to eyeball one-person ingredient portions, you end up with so much leftovers, and you have to do 100% of the dishes.
  5. Absence does make the heart grow fonder but at a price. You're going to have bad days where you ugly cry all over the place. Sob into your food, in traffic after work, in the shower, spotting a little thing they forgot to put away before they left. I had lots of good days (as time went on), and I've really learned to appreciate my relationship.
  6. Nobody will judge you for throwing away the ends of the bok choy. And other things. Eating, watching, listening, and generally spending time the way you want without having to think about someone else's preference is definitely a benefit to living alone. Pants are optional! The bathmat is always dry! Nobody yells at you for leaving the bedroom door open!
  7. Things stay too clean. The more people you live with, the more often you have to clean. I stress clean, so after a while I don't have anything left that's dirty. And because it's only me, it takes much longer to get dirty again. Except dishes, those never go away.
  8. Life partners just make life easier. Some stressful things happened to me during that month that were really hard for me to deal with on my own. A good support network is so vital to staying sane, but your friends have to go home eventually. Some problems you just need someone to take off your hands for a bit and reassure you that everything is going to be okay. Adulting is hard, but it is harder alone.





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03 December 2017

Taking Back Daily Lolita



I recently joined a new lolita lifestyle group on Facebook called The Secret Garden. I love the concept, a place for lifestylers to share tips, trips, and general lifestyle conversations. Self-labeling myself as a lifestyle lolita, I love having this group to indulge my feminine hobbies that have long been abandoned by the international community at large.

I've written a few lifestyle related posts before, including 101 Lifestyle Lolita Ideas revisitedtelevision and films with a lolita aesthetic and bringing back the old school aesthetic... but never one about what I actually see as being a lifestyle lolita myself.

In its essence: I think being a lifestyler means wearing lolita for occasions more frequent and casual than meetups. Enjoying traditionally feminine hobbies isn't necessary to consider yourself a lifestyle lolita in my opinion, but I think it definitely represents a large portion of the lifestyle lolita population.










How I Personally Define My Own Lolita Lifestyle

Frequency: I wear lolita at least once a week. My best friend and I try to see each other every week, and I often have meetups or other opportunities to dress up with my boyfriend or other friends. We just run errands, work on our laptops at local cafes, and generally hang out.

I'm really lucky to live in an accepting area where people are relatively used to seeing weird people all the time. I definitely get stares, "secret" photos taken of me, and nosy questions when I go out, but I never feel unsafe or like a complete freak when I go about my life dressed in lolita.

I'm also fortunate that my boyfriend is so accepting of lolita - to the point he said he would find it concerning if I stopped dressing like this because it is such a big part of who I am. He doesn't bat an eye when I choose to wear lolita on our dates or when we go for a nice walk. Having an accepting and supportive partner really contributes to my lolita lifestyle. It normalizes it for me and in our relationship, it feels less like a big event or special occasion.

Hobbies: I fall into the category of lolitas who enjoy feeling like a princess or an elegant lady. I enjoy traditionally feminine activities, and wearing lolita for more than meets makes me feel like the world is just a little bit more wonderful.

Embroidery, letter writing, nature strolls, afternoon tea, ballroom dancing, journaling, cooking and baking, sewing, sketching, reading novels, picnicking, attending ballets - these are a lot of the things I consider to be hobbies of mine, and I can partake in them while wearing lolita!

Let's Take Back Daily Lolita

Do you remember the Daily Lolita group? This was the precursor to Closet of Frills, but it was much more geared towards actual daily coordinates. These days, Closet of Frills seems to have evolved due to competition for likes and uniqueness points. Photos have gotten more professional and outfits more OTT. Nearly every photo posted there ends up on CGL to get torn to shreds. I've already written about my feelings for Closet of Frills, so I won't repeat myself.

My point is that we should embrace our fashion roots and celebrate wearing lolita casually again. If you want to wear your frills to study in the library, have lunch in the park, or just to make a fancy dinner on a week night, you should! Lolita is expensive and we should all wear our carefully curated wardrobes as much as we want.






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14 October 2017

Gas Gas Gas! An Ode to Vintage Military Lolita



Thank Fear and Clothing for the pretentious title, a book I recently finished that appeals to my secret desire for unending, convoluted descriptions. Another secret of mine is my fascination for WWII and military history in general. I was that weirdo in middle school wearing 1940s wool pleated skirts, peddling to my classmates half a dozen USSR military caps that my mother bought for me off of Ebay because she thought I'd like one (emphasis on one yet six too-small caps came).

I know more about old tanks, airplanes, decommissioned military uniforms, Vietnam PTSD, and general history than I should for never really studying it in school beyond the basic stuff. This knowledge and hobby of collecting vintage military memorabilia also happens to be one of the ways I bond with my SO who is a serviceman, who so kindly helped me with this photoshoot.

He took the photos, posed me, coached me so I didn't look like a complete idiot holding a firearm, and even checked the 1953 American filter for a British gas mask I found at a surplus store that was issued in 1944 (and somehow they fit together?) so I didn't poison myself. So take this as disclaimer #1: I was supervised by a professional for safety and respect. No flagging here!

Now, when the oh-so-controversial Guerrilla Cats dress from Lyre Ivy was announced on Lolita Updates, it received strong mixed feelings. Many lolitas loved the adorable little cats dressed up as soldiers going off to battle a rat, but many others were disgusted by the theme and thought it was distasteful. "Not elegant" right... like the pizza or doge dresses are?

Of course, I knew I had to order it! I love cats and love military themes.

Now enough with the backstory! One more thing before we get to the photos. Disclaimer #2: While this firearm is real, all applicable laws and regulations were followed. Disclaimer #3: I am not a war-hawk nor insensitive to the tragedies the theme of this photoshoot brings up. I did it for the vintage, apocalyptic, totally strange but cool aesthetic of military lolita.




How did I choose my coordinate pieces?

Well, I debated leaving my hair down or putting it up. An up-do would fit the military style, but down felt more soft and feminine for lolita. I felt like a mademoiselle in the French resistance... or something. Plus it helped with the transition of putting on and taking off the gas mask.

The main pieces - jumperskirt, tights, brooch which I used on my beret - are part of the Guerrilla Cat series from Lyre Ivy. I thought about getting the light pink colorway which would match more of my wardrobe, but the army green just seemed to fit better!

The blouse is from Innocent World, the beret and boots are offbrand.

The green envelope hat is a Soviet hat I found in a lot with a uniform shirt and tie. I felt comfortable wearing it since the USSR doesn't exist anymore. The Green bag is Swiss also from WWII era. I already mentioned the gas mask (MK II Light Anti-gas Respirator if anyone cares), so I think I covered everything!




I really hope you liked the photos from this seasonally appropriate photoshoot (I don't usually get spoopy for Halloween) and enjoyed the aesthetics like I did.

If you're interested in how filters are stored, there's a short clip of me opening the totally cool and unique canister on my Facebook page. Go check it out!





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19 August 2017

New, Fresh, and Empty Apartment



This is a personal post, so let me give you a little backstory about this apartment. If you really don't care (and that's fine!) just skip ahead to the pictures.

I've lived at my father's house all through college, but a few weeks before I was supposed to graduate the house renovations started and I had to move into my grandparents' house. My boyfriend had also been living at home - in his parent's spare room - since he got back from basic training and transferred schools/cities.

He had been looking to move out on his own again for a while, and he found an apartment to room with his best friend. He secretly got a two bedroom so I could potentially move in too later on, but his friend ultimately couldn't join.

Now, where I live the average price for a two bedroom apartment is around $2,400. Without fancy amenities, without pets, with crummy looking interiors, sometimes without parking. But this amazing miracle is only $1,600 a month, water included.

What is even more astounding is that it was being newly renovated, but we were able to keep the pre-renovation price because of his military service. He didn't even ask, the landlord is just a really generous and patriotic person.

Living room from the hallway.

Living room from the kitchen doorway.



Unfortunately, this all began in May and we are just moving in at the end of August. Not only did the renovation part take a long time because this isn't run by a fancy management company, but we hit a few bumps along the way once it was done.

Guard pay alone isn't enough to pay rent in this area - let me tell you! Because his friend had a full time job, they were going to let them rent even though they didn't really have credit. However, because it looks bad that suddenly a girlfriend enters the picture who he hasn't lived with before, I didn't have a full time job, and I didn't have credit either... they were really concerned.

Despite my father generously offering to be a co-signer and the fact that be both have plenty in savings, the landlord opened it up to other applicants. I was frantically trying to get a second part-time job opportunity into a concrete offer. Those three weeks were hell on my emotional and mental health. I don't feel comfortable explaining why I was so desperate to move out, but I cried a lot.

The universe decided to give us a break for the first time in our relationship and gave me the job offer the day I needed it before they gave it to one of the other many applicants. I don't personally believe in God, but friends and family prayed for us. I don't know if it was some higher power, fate, or just luck that we got this. There was no way we could have afforded anything more, and this was a once-in-a-lifetime deal for the quality of the place!

Kitchen from "dining area" doorway.

Kitchen from "dining area" window.


The first weekend we could move in happened to be a four day drill weekend, so I pretty much had to coordinate and move things all on my own. I'm lucky to have a father and good friends who are willing to help me with moving things. I really appreciate those friends who offer to help in times of need. You know who the true ones are in times like this.

On to more happy and exciting things, I'm pumped to start decorating and be reunited with my furniture from the last time I lived away from family.

I'm unusually excited by organizing and playing tetris with furniture and items. While not having any kind of coat/linen closet is annoying, I'm turning it into a game to find creative ways to store things. See that tall cupboard next to the oven? That actually doesn't have shelves, which is the perfect place to keep the vacuum, swiffer, etc.

I'm also relieved that the bathroom has a mirror medicine cabinet and built-in shelving for those space-hogging linens!

Bathroom from the doorway.

Bathroom shelving from the shower corner.

The smaller of the two bedrooms is where we will sleep. There is less room, but it is the room that doesn't touch any shared walls. The larger one will be where we split the room for each of our hobby/office space.

I won't show you photos of the empty bedrooms because they'll look like boring, exactly-the-same rooms. But comment down below if you'd be interested in seeing blog posts and videos about my decorating and any DIY projects I do here.

Matt knew my style since day one, so he's given up any claim of decorating except for the living room. I think at this point he's being obstinate on purpose... I had to promise to go easy on the bathroom if I could have the tiny bit of pink on the origami pillow you see below!

He recognizes that the "guy code" is stupid, but he still feels that he needs to follow it when it comes to home decor. If he brings his cousins or his military buddies home, somehow having 100% won the battle over the one room and surrendering everything else is better than compromising every room? I have no idea, but whatever! Do you understand?

Smorgasbord of Target, Michaels, and some of my late aunt's things. 


Check out my video tour if you'd like to get a better feel of the layout and see the nooks and crannies.




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21 April 2017

What I Would Like To See For The Future Of This Fashion



This week's topic is interesting food for thought.

What would I like to see in the future for lolita fashion? Well, I have some lofty dreams, some aspirations, and a nostalgia for a time gone that could return.

I would like to see a:

...decent documentary on a major streaming site like Netflix, Hulu, or Amazon.
This of course is a lofty dream. There have been many amazing, short documentaries published on Youtube but which don't attract a large audience. We've also seen a few disasters of television appearances and bad celebrity spotlights. I honestly don't want the fashion to become mainstream at all, since the niche aspect is what makes lolita special and pure. But I do wish outsiders would have a legitimate resource and might be more accepting and less judgmental about us.

...return to the sense of mutual support and camaraderie among lolitas online.
I want to see an end to shaming and bullying on anonymous websites. Before lolita became readily available overseas, the international community was much smaller and more like a group of friends and mutual mentors. Today, there are plenty of groups to help beginners, but people seem to be more willing to criticize and make fun of each other online than actually help or just appreciate that not everyone has the same experience or skill level. Let's stop being jealous and mean and petty, and let's rebuild that sense of camaraderie.

...return to an emphasis on casual, wearable dresses and coordinates.
I know I keep repeating myself on this subject, but I really hope to see more appreciation for simple coordinates in the future. Old-school is returning slowly, and I am slowly seeing more people feel comfortable again sharing photos of everyday outfits. I want AP and BTSSB to start releasing simpler prints and less expensive dresses. Not every release needs four different kinds of lace, five detachable parts, six motifs combined into one, and seven figure prices!

...physical store in San Francisco for Innocent World.
Of course part of me would die to work here, but I don't have the education or drive to be the one to open such a store. However, my dream would be a branch here in the U.S. that might also have a space for local indie brands to display appropriate accessories. Not only do I think an Innocent World store would get more foot traffic from tourists because it is more wearable than AP or BTSSB, but it would also mean increased business for my favorite brand.

What would you like to see for the future of this fashion? Let me know in the comments, I'm really interested in your ideas and dreams.

Image credit to Tokyo Rebel


Other blogs who participated:
Pepins de Pom & Co
Poppy Noir



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08 April 2017

Eating My Way Through Berlin



Almost a year over due, I want to share with you the food adventures I found myself in while on a five week study abroad trip. If really don't care about foodie posts - and I won't blame you if you don't - please check out my travel posts about the friends I met in Germany and the places I visited in lolita.

One interesting thing I noticed is that there is very little traditional German food in Berlin. Oh, there are tons of Italian, American, Indian, and Berliner (think doener kebabs and curry wurst) places to eat. But I was actually pretty bummed to not be able to eat my favorite type of foods. I am German and grew up with a few German dishes that I sorely missed on my trip.

Also pretty sad about Berlin, we could not find good Mexican food. Not surprising, but as a Californians we had a hankering for authentic tacos. Bummer.

This is going to be a lengthy post. I hope you stick through to the end, and if you do... I bet you'll be hungry!

During Class


Clearly I didn't photograph every single meal I ate on this trip. That would be ridiculous... But I did take pictures of interesting dishes or foods that have memories attached to them.

Now on to the food...

My very first taste of European food since I was 15 years old was a latte at the Dublin airport during my layover. Don't hate; I'm basic whatever.

I gotta say though, I love the sizes of Starbucks on the other side of the pond. Usually an Amerian grande is too small and a venti is a bit too big. I ordered a venti in both Dublin and Berlin, and it was like Goldilocks - perfectly in the middle!

What's funny is how they spelled my name. It is almost a game for me to find new ways Starbucks baristas try to spell "Ashlyn." Usually I get an Ashley, sometimes and Ashely. At Dineyland last year I sent me mom a hilarious one where it devolved into Ash~~~ like they gave up and let the pen sink to the bottom of the cup in sadness.



Burgers in Berlin are pretty much the same as here in America. We went to this "wild west" styled restaurant plenty of times, and I wish I could remember the brand of carbonated, raspberry flavored beer. 



The pizza was alright, definitely Italian style and not my preference. The reason for this photo was because the restaurant was visited so much by my classmates because they had super cheap food. Everything on the menu was only 4 euro. During my add-on week by myself, I found a hole-in-the-wall Vietnamese place that sold really delicious coconut curry chicken and rice box for only 1,60 euro! 



This third picture was taken because I had never had yellow watermelon before! (If you haven't either, it tastes exactly the same)



Along with all the posh mummies with their perfectly-behaved children in tow, a few of us found a good ice cream place on the way to our hotel one blistering afternoon.

I got burbon vanilla and strawberry basil. While the vanilla was nothing spectacular (it is vanilla after all...) the strawberry basil is by far the best I've ever had, and I wish somewhere near me sold it!



This parfait was a lot bigger than it looks. I wanted to go to the Mall of Berlin to try and find a Steiff bear for my mom, and a classmate split this gargantuan with me. I think it was mango sorbet with strawberry liquor and many different kinds of fruit chunks.



Aha! I found German food! We happened to eat this dinner (bacon potatoes, meatball, and rotkohl) during a big Eurocup game where Italy won. I know this because loud, obxiously patriotic cars and fans passed the restaurant by with flags and horns and cheering. When football plays, all the restaurants in Berlin haul TVs outside for customers and passersby to watch the game. I think there was maybe three of such scenes on every block near our hotel.



This next meal is something I wish I could recreate, but I don't remember the sauce. Chicken strips and some kind of chilled fruit sauce served in a bell pepper. It was really good, and our waiter was from the US as well! Me and a classmate who also spoke German tried blending in, but we couldn't resist connecting with him when we found out he was from where we were.



Ok, you're probably asking me why I have a picture of a bottle of beer. Weird, I know. But I'm not a beer person in the least, and this was amazing. I wish they imported them to the US, but they don't. I've looked. The closest I can find to the same taste is original Kona Longboard. If you know of a way to get me this local brew, please let me know.



Something a little bit more appealing to the lolita aesthetic are these cute little pastries I found at a Laudree look-alike in the Mall of Berlin. I have no recollection what the white, fluffy one is anymore, but the apple one was actually apple. Super cute.


Last but not least, the adventure part! Before leaving for my trip, I found a little cafe on Yelp that I wanted to try to find. I did find Father Carpenter and was not disappointed. That's it there, in this picturesque courtyard. One thing I like about Berlin is that menus often had allergy information listed for each dish. This really helped my friend Kathleen and her husband who have a lot they can't eat.


Friends and Fine Food

While I was in Berlin, I had the great opportunity to meet some lovely local lolitas. We met up twice, and the first time we had a lovely little lunch at an amazing chocolate cafe on top of a famous Chocolate shop. For photos of what I ate that afternoon, take a look at my blog post about it.

When Kathleen, my long time internet friend from Belgium, arrived in Berlin a few days earlier than she originally planned in order to attend Urban Fairytale, we went to that same chocolate cafe again. I got the cocoa-infused goulash that I was eyeing the first time I went, and it was delicious! 

When we went to the ladies' room after our meal, Kathleen's husband secretly paid for the whole lunch. I was immensely grateful and blown away by his kindness. He is such a sweety (if you're reading this Kathleen, I hope you appreciate him every day) and was so nice the entire time the three of us adventured around the city. He even offered to adjust a brass ring I bought at an outdoor market and ship it back to me!




Kathleen and Alexander have food allergies, so they eat pretty-much vegan food. She had already curated a little list of places she wanted to visit to eat in the city, so I got to see how the vegan restaurant scene is in Berlin!

The first place we went was a vegan Vietnamese place, that was incredibly creative. The food was fresh and delicious. Even the warm food was refreshing in the humidity.

I took several photos of their menu and recreated the seitan salad with my vegetarian mother back home. It was also the first time either of them had tried sweet sticky rice, a favorite "healthy" dessert of mine!






The second and last vegan restaurant I joined them at was a cute cafe with pink walls and radical feminist decorations everywhere. I also bought a trans-supportive patch from a local artist there, but I needed to save the last of my trip money.

I ordered a vegan latte, but the flavor escapes my memory. I remember it being very good! I also had a watermelon flavored pastry, and the actual cake inside was bright green. Lastly, I ordered a fake ham and egg omelet pizza thing. I don't have a flattering photo of it because it isn't a super pretty dish, but it was flat crust with a thin layer of food on top. I don't think I was able to eat all square-foot of it.

This concludes my food adventures in Berlin. I hope you enjoyed looking through these photos that I've had stored on my memory card and my phone for the past year!







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01 April 2017

Drill Weekend Means a Lolita Weekend



I'm not the kind of person who can dress up only to sit at home all day. I see no point in wasting the makeup and can't find motivation to lounge around in anything other than pajamas and an old t-shirt. If you do - props - but that isn't me.

Because of this, it is sometimes difficult to wear lolita and generally fashionable outfits because I need somewhere to go or someone to visit.

In comes my current boyfriend, who is a guardsman and is away one weekend every month. I've turned these periods of no communication into an opportunity to see friends who live a bit farther away than I would normally be willing to drive.

These weekend trips mean I have an excuse to wear lolita, work on my embroidery, and catch up with friends I miss a lot because they live over an hour away.



This past weekend, I had the pleasure to double dip in my friend pot. I was able to see my friend Alyssa in Fairfield (a two hour drive) and Jenna in San Ramon (a bit over an hour's drive).

Alyssa isn't in the lolita scene much any more, so I don't get any pictures of her, but we have a really nice chat when I see her. We craft together and walk her tiny dog - I think it's called a chweener?

After spending a few hours in Fairfield, I drove down to San Ramon to see Jenna. The last time I saw her was about two months ago, and it just isn't enough!

I want to ask you to tell me if you think we look alike. For some reason, every time we hang out, someone asks if we're sisters/twins/cousins/related. Not only is it kind of rude and irrelevant to ask strangers if they're related, but we find it hilarious because we don't think we look genetically linked at all. The same happens with me and Sara. We just share typical white-girl traits - long straight brown hair, English chins, big noses, straight bangs, black-rimmed glasses, ghostly pale skin, and similar height.


We spent the evening eating taco salad, embroidering, catching up, watching Top Gun (can you believe she'd never seen the classic?!) and doing face masks. Quite a relaxing evening with my best friend.

These are the kinds of activities I love devoting my time to. Always going to formal afternoon tea parties and picnics can be exhausting. They almost take the fun out of casual, simple coordinates. I notice similar sentiment on Closet of Frills, where a lot of lolitas complain about the overabundance of OTT coords that over emphasize intricate, formal outfits instead of what we actually wear most of the time. It's like a competition for who can plop the most items on our heads - but I digress. If you're interested in reading more about my rant, I have a whole post for it here.

Anyways!

The next morning we went for a pleasant walk around a park, under a bridge, and down by a creek. I had forgotten to bring a blouse, so I was afraid of being freezing, but lo and behold - I found that I forgot to move my BTSSB coat out of my car. What luck for the lazy!

I picked a bunch of wild flowers for my honey, who finds tiny buds adorable, before we headed out for coffee and more embroidery.



That face is the sign of an unhappy Ashlyn who spotted a bug on her flowers...

The point of writing this is not just to share some great photos that I was able to get, but also to share a little bit of my life with you. Too often bloggers focus on helpful posts, reviews or hauls or tutorials. These kinds of posts are fun to write and interesting to read, but after a while they start to feel the same to me.

I too am guilty of this. I write really frequently in an old-school diary, and I don't like being redundant with writing about the same life here as well. I want to try to make more personal posts relevant to fashion and your reason for even coming to my blog, but I also want to share things about myself that I'm excited about or want to talk about with you guys.

Do you find yourself wondering about the real person behind the blog like I do? Would you want to read more personal, lifestyle blogs about lolitas beyond their wardrobe?

I hope you don't mind and enjoy reading these kinds of posts as much as I enjoy writing them!



And on a final note, I feel the need to remind you that we're all a bunch of weirdos. I remember going to Berlin and worrying about how the local girls would feel about me. Of course I was completely awkward and stiff being in a new country and only half-understanding what they were saying, but I really enjoyed seeing the silly side of them. It made me realize that every lolita is a human being with stupid faces and really bad jokes just like me.

I don't know if everyone has a bit of silly in them, or if this fashion just really attracts the derps of society... but I hope you get a crack out of these amazingly timed shots of me just being me.

(I know I can't stop laughing at myself!)





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